Not Today

It is Sunday morning as I write this. I have decided that I will have a good day today. I am sick of having bad days. I am sick of feeling down and hurt and confused and helpless. Today will be different.

I did all the scary things yesterday. I did all the hard things I didnt want to do. I did all the outside talking to strangers. Today there is no more of that required.

Today I can sit or stand or lie down as I please. Today I can play with my kids. Today I can watch movies with my partner. Today I can read a book.

Today is mine.

And I refuse to give it over to this f*cking bad brain chemistry.

I deserve to have a good day. I deserve to feel alright, if only for one day. I deserve to get some relief from this ache inside my chest.

Tomorrow, depression can have me back. Tomorrow I will cower in bed and feel the sorrow swallow me up. Tomorrow I will let the darkness take me. It will claw and shriek and howl for me. It will rip and tear and shred away at my defenses. It will consume my world once it has its teeth in me.

But not today.

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