I had a lot to do today. In between tasks I curled up under the blankets and cried until I fell asleep. It made me feel better.
Now it is the end of the day. All I have left are kid related activities. Things like bedtime, showers, homework, and reading. Their small smiles and rambling explanations fill my heart with love.
But after the lights go out and the silence lies down on top of me like a unwanted partner, thick and heavy with erratic hungry breathing, that is when I feel the truth again. The reality that lives in me. The strange and haunted eyes that look out from my soul.
In that deafening quiet I feel ruff, raw, and exposed. Like my insides are made of hot soup, sloshing and rolling around. Turmoil inside a shell that remains forever tense and startled.
There is a laughing manic voice in my head, she is unhinged and hysterical.
But there is a calm, cold voice as well. She is patient and plotting. She waits and watches.
And I wonder, will I see the sun this summer? Or will I be plunged into never ending winter? Lost in a blizzard made of sickness and sorrow, a permanent white out of the mind.
Just some thoughts on this cold night.