I went to see Joker again today… Alone… In the middle of the day.
And it got me thinking. I really gravitate to movies like this. Movies about the torn apart pieces of a person gathering strength and winning over the well put together pieces of society. Sort of anti-hero movies. And it got me wondering why. Why do I love these movies so much?
I think my answer is this, I see the complete freedom of having nothing left to loose. I yearn for the relief of self-acceptance. I want so desperately to shed the shackles of trying to fit in. I want to dance the silly dance of someone who, without a doubt, could give a sh*t what other people think. I dream of one day, finally, FINALLY, knowing that I am ok just the way I am.
I want to accept myself, to truly and completely accept myself.
But I am not sure who I am. I have labels; mother, writer, chronic depressive, socially anxious, introvert, recovering alcoholic… but what do those labels have to do with who I am? Which ones are permanent and which ones can be changed? What am I proud of and what am I ashamed of?
And who do I want to be?
If I looked at myself, right now, in this moment, who am I?
Can I accept that person?