Silent Tears

I didn’t feel any better this morning when I woke up but I got up anyway. I didn’t allow how I felt to have any effect on how I went about my day. That meant that I paused before entering rooms and silently sobbed. I let myself feel the pain, hard and hot in my chest, and then I took a breath, swallowed the rest, wiped away the tears, and entered the room like I was a well put together person and not on the verge of panic and despair.

I got through the day. I didn’t sacrifice anything because of my depression. I participated in my own life. I don’t know if swallowing my tears in order to do that was a good idea. But I did it. Hopefully I will be able to process those feelings later when I am alone again. Hopefully things will get better. Intellectually I know they will. Right now I just feel like my heart is screaming. But at least today I didn’t let that hold me back.