I don’t know what happened yesterday. I didn’t go to bed early the night before so I didn’t get up early to workout. When I finally did get up, I was nervous; sick and shaky, there’s a killer around the corner, nervous.
I thought about what I had to do that day. I had to write, workout, and go to my kid’s swim practice. I thought about doing those things and… I was nervous.
So I didn’t write. I didn’t work out. I ate more food than I should have and I curled up and started watching horror movies.
Watching those movies was the only thing that didn’t fill me with a sense of dread. Or rather, the sense of dread it filled me with was less than and therefore soothing in comparison to the dread I felt doing anything else.
So that was my day. I watched horror movies.
When it came time to take my kids to swim practice I got up, got dressed, put together a snack and showed up for them. At this point I didn’t feel guilty about how I had spent my day… yet.
But by the time I came home I realized that my day was nearly over and I hadn’t really done anything. And now it was too late.
There is part of me that is yelling at myself, filling my heart with guilt and shame for how I acted. And maybe that part is right and I should listen.
But another part of me says I didn’t do anything wrong.
That part says I needed the time off and I did a good thing taking it. Even though it wasn’t what I had planned, that doesn’t mean it was bad. That doesn’t mean I was being lazy…
I feel like I was being lazy. I feel like I was being lazy and selfish and all the awful things I can think of. It burns inside of me the anger I feel towards myself right now.
But isn’t everyone allowed to have a day off every now and then? I have been working hard. Maybe I needed the time to zone out.
Yet if anyone saw me like that, still in my jammies at noon and watching tv, I would be mortified.
But everyone spends time relaxing and zoning out. People need that time. I have spent time recharging by being alone, maybe this was time recharging by not thinking (or getting dressed).
Okay, here will be the test to see which argument is right.
The test is this: What do I do today?
Do I spend my day working, back on track and being productive?
Or do I spend another day bingeing on Netflix and getting nothing accomplished?
If I can get back to work, than okay, the break was some necessary rest. I should shed my guilt about it and move forward.
But if I can’t get back to work, than it was not simply resting but instead slipping into unhealthy behavior and I need to address it so that I don’t fall down this hold any further.
There is my test. Today will give me my answer.