Just For Now

I am tired. Yesterday was hard. I had such a good week last week, and then this week… things are hard. There are so many factors I could look to lay the blame on but …

All I know for sure is that doing things yesterday was hard for me, and doing the same things the week before wasn’t hard at all.

I don’t know what more I can say.

I am exhausted. I am worn out. I am raw and sore. I am tender and weak. My smile is gone and my laughter has died in my chest.

What I get done yesterday and how did I cope with these feelings?

I went grocery shopping. I ate what was on my meal plan. I listened to music. I made an appointment with a new doctor (I am not saying for sure that phone call is what caused my whole day to feel so awful but… it is a suspect).

I went to my counseling appointment. I watched a movie. I ran on the treadmill. I spent time with my boys. They were super excited to show me this new TV show. In fact, they were so excited that they both explained the entire show to me while we watched it, both of them talking at the same time, ensuring I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I admitt, it was the highlight of my day.

What else? I meditated. I went to bed early. I tried not to worry about what I have to do next. It could go well. I could be fine. Or it could be really hard to get through. But even if it is hard, I can do it, I can get through it.

I am not giving up. I want to sometimes. But even so, I will not give up.

I could end this on an optimistic note. But there is part of me that wants to be more honest about how I feel. And right now I don’t feel optimistic. Right now I don’t see how things will ever get better. Right now all I can see in my future is a series of random good days and random bad days and no way of predicting them or controlling them or getting better at all. Thats how I feel right now.

Thankfully, I won’t feel like this forever. Just for right now.

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