Feeling Fat

I hate feeling fat.

Like being fat is visual proof that I am a failure. It exposes my insecurity to the world. Like my chubby cheeks are screaming I ate candy instead of doing sit ups. That instead of going for a run I ate pasta. That instead of working through lunch I watched TV and scarfed down junk food. Even if none of that is true, when I am bloated, squishy, wobbly, or jiggly … I feel like those things are true and that everyone can tell.

I fantasize about finding a workout routine that will give me the body I want. I think if I could just find the right combination of food and exercise, then I will achieve my ideal form and I will finally be comfortable in my own skin. But nearly a year since my surgery and I haven’t lost the weight I gained. I am still 15 lbs. heavier than when I went under the knife and 35 lbs. heavier than just two years ago.

I haven’t stopped looking for a solution. Everyday I think, maybe it starts today. Maybe I will be okay. Maybe junk food cravings won’t be a big deal. Maybe I will want to workout and it will feel good when I do. Maybe the weight will finally start to melt away. Maybe I will finally see a difference. Maybe I will finally feel a difference.

And then every day that doesn’t happen. By the night I am in sweatpants, miserable and bloated (even if I have stuck to my meal plan) and I am left wondering, why? Why do I still feel like this? What am I doing wrong? WHY IS MY BODY DOING THIS TO ME?!?

You know what my meal plan is? I have a smoothie for breakfast. For lunch I have a salad. I have an Atkins protein bar for a snack. I have fish, steamed vegetables and a cup of brown rice for dinner. That’s it.

So why, by the end of the day, do I feel like I ate a garbage truck (and am simultaneously turning into a garbage truck)?

I feel tired. I feel defeated. I feel lost.

I feel fat.

I hate feeling fat.