Immediate Regret


Blog Post Picture 10.21.19 Black Spider

There is this giant spider web in the front bushes of my house. It is in a prime spot because there is lots of wind but no pesky people walking through. The web is HUGE. One end is attached to the top of a bush that stands a good three feet taller than me and the other ends come down and attach to smaller bushes below. The whole thing drapes across the front porch (which is by no means small) taking up half the area. The spider herself is huge. She has a fat round butt that comes to a frightening point. She has a brown patterned body that you can make out the details of from ten feet away.

Yesterday was the day I finished putting up Halloween decorations. I joked about how we didn’t need to buy fake webs this year because her web was bigger and scarier than anything we could put up.

Can you see where this is going?

I was out front struggling with flimsy Styrofoam gravestones. You know the kind, over priced and cheaply made, with two-inch plastic spikes that can rip easily into the Styrofoam (which they are not supposed to do) but can’t penetrate wet dirt (which they are supposed to). Anyway, I was wrestling with them while the brisk October wind battered them and me. Nothing seemed to be working. My headstones were flapping in the breeze! It was awful. So I looked around for a solution. I thought maybe, if I propped them up against the porch, behind the bushes, they would be out of the worst of the wind and they would appear more stable. It made sense. So I stepped around the bushes towards the porch.

And that is when I did it.

I walked headfirst into the spider web.

Instant understanding and immediate regret.

I shouted, I cursed, I danced around the front lawn like I crazy person, all of which I am sure did no good. I raced inside and shook my hair out and begged my kids to look for a spider falling out or, even worse, crawling on me.

No spider was found.

I spent the next two hours freaking out about every bump or itchy spot on my skin. So far nothing serious has popped up. I can hope that the wind I mentioned earlier had kept her hidden away and not in the center of her grand web where she normally sat and right where I shoved my head. However, I don’t think I will feel better until I see her out front again and I can be sure she isn’t squatting somewhere in the house plotting revenge.

Needless to say I will be so happy if I wake up tomorrow and see a giant spider web in the front yard.


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