Bit By Bit

I was thinking that my anxiety happens like ripples in water. If a stone is dropped in a river the ripples move out in all directions. And if there is a big thing I am anxious about the attacks ripple out the same way. I feel them long before the big thing and long after. It does me no good to explain to myself that, either the scary thing hasn’t happened yet so don’t get worked up, or the scary thing already happened so calm down. I just have to ride the waves until the surface of my life is smooth again.

I had a low level yet long lasting anxiety attack yesterday. That makes the third one since Sunday. I never reached full panicked weeping mode. So that is nice. But the twitchy itchy worry, like scary music playing in the background, lasted for hours. I tried meditating, I tried writing, and finally I tried running. No one thing seemed to really take it away, but throughout day it melted down bit by bit so that around dinnertime I realized it was gone.

I couldn’t say for sure why it happened or why it went away. Today I had to send my kids to their dad’s and they will be there for five days. That might have caused it. Or maybe it was because of the appointment I have today. Or maybe it stems from the fact I am getting deeper into writing my fantasy novel and the more detailed it becomes the more real it is and that might cause me anxiety too, from a fear of failure or even a fear of success. Maybe…

Whatever the reason, I got through it. And most likely what helped was the combination of all the things I did and continue to do each day. So, there you go. Knowing that, does it matter why it happened?

I still hope it doesn’t happen to me again today. Just saying.

Until next time…