9/1/19 Swimming with Depression

Something strange and unexpected happened yesterday. Swimming didn’t make me feel good. It didn’t make me feel any better at all.

In the morning I dropped the boys off at their dad’s, then I went and got my oil changed, I went through a car wash, and then as reward I went to my favorite used book store. I found four books and one movie before I forced myself to stop looking and leave. After that I went to the gym and swam. I had been feeling down all day. I felt sad taking the boys to their dad’s because that always makes me sad. I was nervous to get my oil changed because well, I had to speak to strangers. Getting the car washed was relatively painless; except I went to a place I had never been before and I wasn’t sure how easy it would be. My time in the bookstore was the happiest I had been all day. On my way to the gym my stomach was in knots. All I wanted was to go back home, put on jammies and hide. I felt like someone had peeled back my skin. My heart ached and my hands shook.

But I went to the gym anyway. I kept telling myself I would feel better after swimming. It was easy to believe because for the last three weeks that is exactly what has happened. I get anxious, I go swimming, and the anxiety is gone the rest of the day. Not this time.

I have been wracking my brain ever since trying to figure out what was different, but any answer I think of is just speculation. I may never know. Maybe next time I go back I will feel great afterwards. But right now, I feel hopeless because the solution to my troubles has failed me and I am scared it will never work again. I feel like my escape hatch has been sealed shut while I wasn’t looking and now am permanently trapped with this feeling. I may be being a bit dramatic. In fact, I am sure I am. Nothing stays the same forever, including my crappy mood.

So what can I do today? I am thinking about trying to go for a run. But this time on the treadmill, in the hopes that won’t cause me pain. I may end up not doing anything and continue to sulk instead. I hope not but I can’t promise anything. I will let you know tomorrow how I faired. Wish me luck.

Fitbit 9.1.19

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