I want This House.
I want a good deal of other things as well. I want to tackle the hard things in life. I want to write. I want to work the worlds I have in my head out onto paper. I want people to read them and be touched. I want to open people’s hearts and see into their minds. I want to work hard and get better. I want to be a good mother. I want to face things that scare me. I want to show my boys how to handle life, which at times can be a son of a bitch. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.
Most of my life I have had the kind of self-martyrdom that is so common in this society. I accepted terrible things in my life because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better. I suffered and thought that was how life should be. I thought I deserved worse. I spoke to myself in harsh words and sharp criticism. I was always punishing myself for failure and demanding more from myself than I could possibly provide.
I have changed much in the last two years. I have watched myself slowly become the woman I always wanted to be. Where before there was a nervous, shaking child who was afraid of her own shadow, now there is a strong capable woman. Where there was once a girl that allowed others to dictate what happened in her life, now there is a woman who can speak up and meet her own needs. This woman can follow through with commitments and give advice. This woman is much more gentle with herself and forgiving of her shortcomings. This woman will not allow others to dictate her actions. This woman won’t compromise her conscience. I am this woman. And this woman wants- no- deserves true love and a happy home.
We all deserve love and home. We all deserve for both these to be good, kind, supportive and uplifting. We deserve to have a safe place that helps us thrive and keeps us protected. The world is cruel and there are many things in life that will hurt, but love and home should not be among them. Love and home should be where you can go to rest up in between the stress and the challenges. It should be the safe haven that gives you the strength to tackle all the other hardships in life.
I have my love, now I want my home.
Kell, my love, and I have begun looking. My lease is up at the end of July. We have wanted to live together for months, but we want also to be rational and reasonable adults. So we have waited. We spend half our time at my place, with the boys, and half the time at Kell’s place, alone together. The weekends sequestered away at their apartment have become my most productive writing times. Five thousand words in two days, sometimes even more, has become a regular accomplishment for me, on our weekends alone. I sit on their bed, listening to the sounds of downtown Olympia bustle on; cars, working people, drunk people, angry people, sad people. I write.
On the weekdays I do the best I can, but there are so many things to take my attention away. I don’t even try to get writing done the weekends I have the boys. Which suits everyone just fine, I suppose. The boys get a present and active mom when they are with me. As much as any human can give of themselves, I give to those kids. And I am proud of that. They are wonderful little humans and I love them dearly.
Which leads me to why I want This House.
It is, for lack of a better word, perfect. It is in the perfect place. It is the perfect size. It has the perfect amount of light. It has the perfect placement of windows. It has the perfect amount of bedrooms. It has the perfect bathrooms, the perfect tub, the perfect sinks, the perfect backyard, the perfect lights and doorknobs and faucets. Sigh… we both really really really want This House.
Even the neighborhood is perfect. The last time we went and looked at it there were two little blonde girls a year or two younger than my boys playing on the sidewalk outside the house. No parent needing to hover over them. No cars hurtling down the street to protect them from. There were older kids too, leaning on bikes or tossing a football to each other. And not five blocks away there is a wonderful little park!
I can see Christmases there and Easter mornings and trick-or-treating! I can see myself on the treadmill by the front window when it is raining out, and running down the sidewalk when it is sunny. I see morning breakfast and shouting up the stairs to brush your teeth its time to go! I see laundry piled up and everyone set to folding their share. I see the boys with their own rooms! I see arguments about cleaning up those rooms. I see coming downstairs in the morning to sunshine and the smell of coffee. I see Kell and me making diner and watching movies and snuggling on the couch. I see my boys building friendships with the other kids on the block. I see them getting their first jobs at the grocery store down the street. I see them having their own space to grow and thrive! I see myself writing. I see Kell and me working side by side. I see rain out the window. I see hot chocolate and popcorn in front of the fireplace. I see nights and days and love and family.
I see this all in This House and I want it so bad my stomach hurts.
We have applied. We will hear if we get it sometime in the next two to four days. There are three other applicants. We have done all we can to get this house. We have walked through, we have chatted up the owner, and we have put our best foot forward. And now all we can do is wait. And pray. And wait.
I must be prepared for the very real possibility that we don’t get it. And if that happens I will be… (Deep breath) Okay. And I will tell you why, because now I have a standard. Now I have a bar to hold any other house to. Now I know what I want and I know I deserve to have it. I want my home to be all those things it should be. And if we don’t get This House, we will find one that reaches all those levels and more. Like, for example, a house that would accept cats. Which as far as I can tell is This House’s only fault. So, I know what I want, I know I can get it, and as my loving and rational partner has pointed out, we have the luxury of time and resources.
We will not be out on the street if we don’t get This House. We will not be forced to accept a lesser model due to strained finances or time constraints. So, there, that is the fact. My stomach is still tender, and my thoughts still drift to pictures of This House, This House in front of me that I want so badly. I do realize that there are other houses; there will be other houses. But I still remain human and the part of me that craves instant gratification wants this one and wants it now.
I want This House.